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PUBLISHERS WEEKLY DOING THE RIGHT THING: Taking
Care of Your Elderly Parents Even if They Didn't Take Care of You ROBERTA
SATOW. Penguin/Tarcher, $22.95 (288p) ISBN
1-58542-392-0 Satow's
insightful manual asserts that with proper preparation, middle-aged baby boomers
charged with sick or elderly parents, even estranged ones, can find caring
for them a rewarding, or at least tolerable, situation, one that need not
erode anyone's integrity or sanity. Psychoanalyst and becoming "more conscious about what we experience in
the process of care giving." Satow's sympathy
and useful advice will offer conflicted caregivers straightforward help in
dealing with their ambivalent feelings toward parents who are in a terminal
phase of life. Her belief that "it is normal and okay to feel
ambivalent at times" about one's role is indeed reassuring. Agent, Gail Hochman. Forecast: There's a large market for
this book: people over the age of 85 are the fastest-growing segment of the
population, and more than one- third of them depend on an adult child for
assistance. ______________________________________________________ Charlotte
Observer Posted on Coming to terms with an
elderly parent
It's
tough dealing with the physical and mental decline of a beloved parent. But
it's even more painful, psychoanalyst In her new book,
"Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Your Elderly Parents Even If They
Didn't Take Care of You," (Tarcher/Penguin,
$22.95,) Satow explores a seldom-discussed aspect of caring for elderly
parents: Some people are lousy
parents. What do their children owe them? The book, due out this
month, grew from her experience caring for her own mother. Satow, a
sociologist at Satow uses her own
insights, along with stories of other adult children and parents, to help
readers. "What do I need to do to be able to live with myself?" she
asks. "The answer is very individual." Setting
limits For many people, Satow
says, the answer is in setting limits, in preventing a parent's neediness to
control your life. It could be helping mom choose an assisted-living center
and visiting regularly rather than moving her into your house, even if that's
what she prefers.For adult children who feel guilty
and angry because their parents refuse to accept needed help, Satow counsels
that they tolerate the limits parents set, and realize that options, short of
having a parent declared incompetent, are limited. And yes, it's sometimes
best to cut all ties with parents, in situations where the parent sexually
abused the child, or when the parent is a drug addict or a criminal, Satow
says. It's never too late to
work through negative feelings about your parents, she says, though you'll
likely have to do it on your own, or with a therapist. "If we're
lucky," she says, "we're able to work them out with our
parents." Honoring
your parents Satow says she's made
progress understanding her feelings about her mother. She also describes a
retired lawyer named Paul whose mother had been abusive and neglectful and
who, in her old age, complained constantly. Paul finally confronted
his mother with his feelings and told her he'd no longer tolerate her
unpleasantness. He says their relationship has improved. "We have
learned to make our time together more pleasant and, even at times,
fun," he told Satow. Satow says her book will
offend some people, because it challenges societal beliefs about the elderly.
"You're supposed to love your parents, and elderly people are seen in
this mythological way -- they're all kind and sweet," she says. The Bible, after all,
commands honoring your mother and father. Satow says she's thought about that
commandment a lot. "God didn't tell us to love our parents. He told us
to honor them." And that, Satow says, is
what her book is about -- understanding your ambivalent feelings, and doing
the right thing. Pam Kelley |
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